She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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