I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Randomize
