That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
