Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
