I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
