I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
