No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
