guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
