I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
