3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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