you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
