you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
