Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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