Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
