Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
The beer is more important than you right now.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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