my room smells like sperm. sweet.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
