If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
