I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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