maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I should be sponsored by Trojan
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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