So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
