if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
