it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
