who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
