Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
