Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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