Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
