the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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