I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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