There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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