So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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