My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
