How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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