Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
