I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
