so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
