Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
