The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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