Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Randomize
