Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
