Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
There was a lot of him and a little penis
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
