why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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