just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
