Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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