Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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