Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
