im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
