He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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