woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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