people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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