went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
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